Daily ArchiveMarch 8, 2015

THE BIG DISCONNECT

I am slowly working my way through a book titled, The Big Disconnect, written by Catherine Steiner-Adair and published in 2013.  On the front cover is a short phrase summarizing the author’s purpose:  Protecting childhood and family relationships in the digital age.  The book is an eloquent and persuasive account of how electronic devices are changing our relationships.  The “big disconnect,” as you might have guessed, is that our digital devices are “disconnecting” us from each other.  Our devices are so compelling, so demanding of our attention, that we are sacrificing the real people in our real spaces to attend to our digital lives.

How ironic; the same devices that allow us to communicate with anyone in the world in real time, interfere with and interrupt what should be our most personal and important relationships.  Parents who should be giving undivided attention to their three year old child “disconnect” from the child to check a facebook® notification.  Husbands who should be giving wives their undivided attention “disconnect” to respond to a text from work.  Teens who should be giving their full attention to their parents “disconnect” to answer a text from a BFF.    And so on and so on.

I am finding that people fall into two groups when it comes to “the big disconnect.” There are those who see nothing wrong with turning our attention away from real people to attend to digital people. On the other hand are those who are offended, hurt, or feel slighted when people we are talking to suddenly stop attending to us and turn their attention to their device.

The digital genie is out of the bottle and there is no point in trying to put it back.  Two years ago, students would have their cell phones confiscated if they were caught using them at school.  In today’s classrooms, students are encouraged to use their smart phone as a learning tool. The good news is we are learning to use our devices in new and helpful ways.  The bad news is that the devices are used for purposes we do not intend.

We need to accept the inevitable fact that digital devices are going to become faster, smarter, more powerful, and easier to use.  They are going to become more common and we are going to use them for more of our daily activities.  So, the question is how do we take advantage of all that our digital devices can do and not let “screen time” interfere with and destroy our personal relationships?

There are two answers to this question.  First, we must find ways to limit the amount of time that we devote exclusively to screen time. Though applicable to everyone, it is especially important for students, because they should be engaged in a range of activities every day.  In a typical school day, students have from after school until bedtime to do homework, to participate in extra-curricular activities, to complete service hours, to do their chores, and to interact with family members.  Each of these things takes time, and if students are devoting too many hours to digital devices, they are stealing hours from other activities. If my teenage daughter spends three hours on her cell phone while “watching” episodes of “Pretty Little Liars,” she is giving up time that she should be devoting to her other activities.  The problem here is all that she is NOT DOING.

The second issue is etiquette, just plain consideration of others. If you go to the Emily Post website, you will find etiquette defined as “treating people with consideration, respect, and honesty. It means being aware of how our actions affect those around us.”  If my 91 year old mother feels slighted when her sixteen year old granddaughter stops attending to her to answer a text, then her granddaughter needs to consider how her phone use is affecting her grandmother.  And if her granddaughter doesn’t “get it,” then her parents (her mother and me) need to teach her about the etiquette of relationships.  We needn’t punish her for being rude, we need to teach her to be considerate.  Of course, you can apply this to parent/child, husband/wife, or friend/friend relationships. It’s about being considerate.

We will be writing more about the great digital debate and we invite you to join the conversation.  Feel free to share your thoughts on this issue and, as always, let us know if there are other aspects of “the big disconnect” that you would like for us to talk discuss.